Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Wait a minute