My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
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Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
You better watch out
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Did…did a minotaur write this
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Rooting for the overdog
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.