Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”