I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Boating season is upon us.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner