[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
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If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.