I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Perfect
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey