Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.