I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories