My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
shut up and take my money
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places