Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats