Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
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He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Damn what did I do next
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.