Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
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When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Hello Twits.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃