*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
me when i see my girls butt
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Damn what did I do next
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.