ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Jurassic park gets weird
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]