(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
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An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
notice
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
This kinda thing happens to me often
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.