teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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whenever i wake up before my alarm
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.