If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
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All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?