I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
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wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
can’t catch a break
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
March 16
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.