If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Sharon, call the vet
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE