You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
You Might Also Like
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I need to update my racial profile.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken