Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes