Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
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Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
But that’s none of my business
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what