They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.