A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
You Might Also Like
A roof is a house hat.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Many hands make light work
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
thanks auntie mary
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.