Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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They’re not wrong
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
This is why I hate group projects
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.