12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
#ProTip
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back