If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)