Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot