I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Sooo many times…..
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.