I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war