If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.