Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Writing, She Murdered.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.