Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
You Might Also Like
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
O Wise One….
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.