If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Cool shirt 🙂
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.