*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.