If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Introverted vegans go meetless
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
for all #parents out there
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎