[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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The “research” scene in every horror movie
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.