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JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
*launders Kohls cash*
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter