[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
The second world war should have been called world war returns
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
No, I don’t think I will.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”