earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
pls suprot
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know