Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.