If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “