I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.