If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda