INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.