I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.