I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I have never related to a cat more
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit