starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
the noise i just made
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.