I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
thank god the sign was there
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us