Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
You Might Also Like
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist